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When Life Doesn't Make Sense



My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, so far from my cries of anguish? My God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer, by night, but I find no rest. Yet you are enthroned as the Holy One; you are the one Israel praises. - Psalm 22:1-3


“There isn’t a heartbeat,” the impossible words hung in the air. I sat in a daze, staring at the cream colored hospital wall, not fully acknowledging the nurse that came to talk to us about the pregnancy and infant loss classes that they offered. I don’t remember much more about that day.


But the next night we attended a worship night. Despite not wanting to leave my bed, I knew I needed to be in that space, to be at His feet. We had seen miracles for others lately - a mass completely disappearing, life-saving medication working twice as fast as it should, and more. I knew He could do the impossible and bring my child back to life. So as I sang, I prayed, no, I begged and pleaded. On the drive home, song lyrics hit hard: "You're shattered like you've never been before. The life you knew in a thousand pieces on the floor....Tell your heart to beat again…Yesterday's a closing door, you don't live there anymore. Say goodbye to where you've been and tell your heart to beat again."


I stared blankly out the window, watching the fields and trees pass by in a blur, tears running silently down my face. I prayed and prayed that He would tell my baby's heart to beat again.

But He didn’t.


For a very long time, I struggled with the “why.” Why didn’t I get a miracle too? Why did His miracles seem so random and arbitrary? I believed He could save my child, even after a death sentence, so why didn’t He?


Years later, I still don’t have an answer.


However, I have learned that the struggle with “why” is a part of our faith journey. We live in an imperfect world that doesn’t make sense; life will constantly throw impossible situations at us. As we struggle with the question of “why,” we have two options: turn away from God because we don’t have all the answers or turn towards God because we don’t have all the answers. 


Struggles, though something we naturally want to avoid, allow us to be more aware of His presence, to fully rely on Him, to depend on Him to help us through. In the midst of our struggles He is our source of hope, our source of comfort, of peace, of joy. In the struggle, I come face to face with my Creator and learn to be okay with the questions. 


There are days I still struggle with why - for the loss of that child and for so many other things. But I refuse to let the struggle overtake me. Instead, I choose to embrace the struggle and cling to the hope that I have: I will take the hand He has extended and hold for dear life. I will not allow the sorrow of my trials to be for naught. I will rise. I will grow. I will move forward.


Because of the struggle.


God can handle your questions. You may not get a direct answer, but I promise, it will bring you closer to His presence because He craves your honesty and vulnerability. Like David in the Psalms, it is okay to vent your frustration, to be angry, to ask impossible questions. He will love you through it.


How can you embrace your current struggle in order to become closer to Him?


Your fellow Able Mom,

Bri


Father, You know the circumstances I’m facing right now. I don’t understand. I can’t see Your hand in this. Why did this happen? Why do I have to go through this? Why can’t I get a miracle? I feel alone and abandoned. Where are You? Show me Your presence in the midst of my heartache. Remind me of Your goodness. Help me to remain steadfast. You are good, You are God. You have promised to never leave me or forsake me. Open my eyes to how You are working, help me to be okay with the questions. I want to grow closer to You through this, not farther from You. In Your Almighty Name, Amen.



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